The last Melon...

Well, not a melon (I was quoting from 'Ice Age') but this is the last blog of May and the last time I can say, my holiday is next month because is eight minutes time, it will be 'This Month'!

Ahh, buzzing! (Devon I will do a proper blog in June, so don't worry!)

Nyan, nyan, nyan

I'm attempting to listen to the 'Nyan Cat' during the duration of typing up this blog. We'll see how it goes, I'll either succeed, turn it off or my brain will explode (which in that case, this blog will probably never see the light of day).

Non-Stop Nyan Cat

I feel it is all subliminal or headache inducing, one of the two...

I actually had a good day today. I got up rather late (my bad), watched some television with the mother and then made a bacon sandwich. I deleted someone from Facebook which made me feel tonnes better, I went for a shower and then Lauren texted me saying Colin's Dad had offered to take us into see 3OH!3 which was really nice of him (particularly because Colin wasn't even going).

We got into Glasgow and walked past 'Spoons where the large poster saying 'Cocktail Pitchers - £4.99' caught our eyes. I think there was brief moment of telepathy as we both headed for the entrance and ordered a sex on the beach, closely followed by something else, which I now can't remember the name of (I'm not drunk I swear, I geuninely think it's this bloody nyan cat fucking with my brain).

Around quarter to eight, we went across the road and into the ABC and went upstairs to the pod bar to watch Innerpartysystem play. They sounded amazing and I loved their first album, it was only a shame they didn't play much of it, especially 'Don't Stop', which should be a staple must-play in their setlist. 'American Trash' sounded immense though. We then headed downstairs into the crowd for the main event, 3OH!3. We spoke to this australian girl rather randomly before the show started which was amusing and I also had a conversation with Fraser via text (even though we could see each other).

Then the lights dimmed and on came 3OH!3 and boy, do they know how to work a crowd. We were going nuts for them and their setlist was brilliant, they even played 'Love 2012', one of my favourites from the new album which I did not expect them to play, so that brought a cheeky wee smile to my face. Plus, the fact Sean Foreman looked amazingly sexy tonight definitely helped matters. After the show, we headed to a newsagents and each bought a tandoori wrap and teeny bottle of irn bru and then Colin's Dad came and picked us up and took us home (what a nice guy!)

I got in at about twenty past eleven and had a great day! Also, on an even more exciting note, I got a call from Barrhead Travel today to say the tickets for our holiday were in and I'm to go in and pick them up! Absolutely buzzing for holiday now and even important matters such a toothbrushes and toothpaste were discussed over the cocktails today! Ahh, good times all round!

I lasted 852.4 seconds on the Nyan Cat, not bad but my head genuinely hurts. Bloody japanese, some people eh?

Give me everything tonight...

The above title of my blog was a natural and obvious choice because I am rather obsessed with Pitbull feat. Ne-yo - 'Give me everything'. For someone who counts bands like Metallica and Green Day amongst her favourites, I find it strange that I like music like this but I shall not be ashamed to say Pitbull is my favourite rapper (especially seeing as I have very little shame anyway).

Last night, Lisa celebrated turning that grand ol' age of nineteen (finally, some people are catching up with me and the other old yins of the group) by going on a pub crawl of Ashton Lane. I had never been before so it was quite a shock turning into this cobbled street just off Hillhead Subway station and arriving in a quaint little village set up. It was almost like walking into Bangor again (which I refuse to accept as a city).

Firstly went to the upstairs of The Grosvenor (which is like the friggin' tardis in all honesty) and had a wee glass of wine. I saw my woman on the wall (Joan Jett is one of two women that I love) and fanned myself with the pizza menu (I was honestly just too hot last night, and you make take that in any way you want). We then went downstairs to sample £2.50 cocktails whilst Mark explained the proper way to make them, we also unofficially partook (how awesome is that word?) in the pub quiz where the guy thanked us for remaining quiet (Aye right...)

We then jumped ship to Vodka Wodka where I had a rather disgusting concoction called Jolly Rancher, still drank it though whilst chatting to the canadian barman, who said he just ended up working in Scotland (as you do). Honestly, claustrophobe's nightmare in there. We then decided to leave for the garage but not before getting an official Team Bulgaria 11' picture (minus Amy and Katy though, sadface).Then I jumped into a taxi with Lauren, Lisa and Colin and went to the Garage, which was free entry for everyone because it looked like the cash register was broken so 'Yaldi's' were had all round. It was a great wee night and I can't not mention the most lovely taxi driver who took us home for FIVE POUNDS EACH. Bless his wee heart, ECKO all the way now!

Thank you Lisa!

Stalking and the advantages of snooping...

Today, at the dinner table, my sister, mum and myself were randomly talking about things when the subject of 'Mum's youth' came into the discussion. My mum is quite open about talking it and it is always something that interests us, so when the possibility of googling her first husband came into the equation, well, there was a genuine race to my laptop...

The guy is freakin' millionaire! He lives on a golf course (which we google street viewed by the way, HUGE). He is a partner in his own company and used to be the president of the rugby club him and my mum frequented in the 70's. However, I seen the photos and I'm not impressed to be honest. Although she protests she is happier with my father and us doting children (Don't make me laugh), I'm pretty sure the three holidays a year and flashy car would not have gone a miss too.

We then facebooked stalked and came across one of my Dad's ex girlfriends, who in the profile photo, she looks older than my Mum. Lucky escape eh?

Harry David William Peters

Also, would like to make an announcement heralding the arrival of my new first cousin, Harry Peters, who was born today at thirty nine weeks on 25th May 2011 at 10.41am weighing 8lbs and 4oz! I only have two first cousins and both are girls so I am incredibly excited about this!

And he's absolutely gorgeous by the way!

A study of Gandalf Vs. Dumbledore

Being a super geek, I saw the question on Facebook. 'Let's settle this once and for all, Gandalf or Dumbledore?'. Now they both are pretty powerful wizards, capable of wielding unimaginable power, both also wield immense hairy beards and both act as wise men to the main protagonists of the book.

Now, I like Gandalf and I also like Dumbledore but which one is better? There's only one way to find out! Fig...

No Harry Hill.

No Harry Hill, no fighting, just an epic list of pro's and cons for each wizard. Jeez...

Dumbledore


Full name: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Age: 115 - 116 years old (at time of death)
Occupation: Previous Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Pros

• Excellent Dress sense
• Undying loyalty to Harry Potter
• Love of muggles and sherbet lemons
• Whimsical Sense of humour
• Intelligence

Cons

• Corrupted easily by Grindelwald and the tragic death of his sister resulted from this
• He used to be greedy and blinded by power (the three deathly hallows and how he wished to possess them)
• The fact he put the ring on, absolute fool
• He died and didn't come back, he just died

 

Gandalf

Full Name: Gandalf the White (Neé Grey)

Age: Around 7000 years old

Occupation: Member of the White Council

Pros

• Has a vast knowledge of the whole of middle earth and its history
• Slayed the Balrog as he was plummeting to his death
• Died and then came back to life, stronger and more powerful than ever as Gandalf the White
• Can control Shadowfax
• Motivated Aragorn to claim his rightful throne from the evil Denethor (who tried to burn his son alive)
• His love of hobbits and his faith in Frodo and Sam

Cons

• Failed to recognise Saruman's corruption at the hands of Sauron
• The fellowship ultimately failed miserably
• He clearly could have pulled himself up when he fell over the ledge and just gave up

Final Judgement

Gandalf clearly wins. Not only did he manage to survive death, he's also generally awesome. Sorry Dumbledore!

This is the rhythm of the night

One of the many tasks one must accomplish before holiday is the holiday playlist. This task is harder than it sounds, believe me. Not only must one incorporate this Summer's big tracks but also, personal choice for the pool times, the cheesy songs from yester year that always get a party going and the big holiday tunes from the previous year.

So, I've put my playlist on shuffle and here are the first twenty of the songs on my playlist. (I'm also desperately cruising for some material for my blog as Miss Whiplash demands a blog. What can I say? I'm a good bitch).

1. 'Beautiful Liar (Freemasons Remix)' - Beyonce Feat. Shakira
2. 'Good Girl' - Alexis Jordan
3. 'I just had sex' - The Lonely Island
4. 'Separate Ways' - Journey
5. 'Government Hooker' - Lady Gaga
6. 'Union of the Snake' - Duran Duran
7.  'Bad Boy' - Cascada
8. 'Lost' - Hadouken!
9. 'Red Balloons' - Katie Melua
10. 'Chimes' - Friendly Fires
11. 'With a heavy heart (I regret to inform you)' - Does it offend you yeah?
12. 'On the Floor' - J-Lo Feat. Pitbull
13. 'Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U)' - Hi-Tack
14. 'Milkshake' - Kelis
15 'Telephone' - Lady Gaga feat. Beyonce
16. 'Who's that Chick?' - Rihanna feat. David Guetta
17. 'Lady Marmalade' - Mya, Pink, Lil Kim and Christina Aguilera
18. 'Skeleton Boy' - Friendly Fires
19. 'Cosmic Love'  - Florence and the Machine
20. 'Rock this Party' - Bob Sinclar

Any more suggestion, please let me know!

See a crack in the sky, catch the sun as it falls...

So, the rapture... I didn't see anyone floating up towards the pearly gates of Heaven, did you? (Obviously didn't heed my advice of going outside for 6pm).

I think it is fair to say the rapture was a complete and utter failure of epic proportions. Six pm came and went without incidence (In fact, I had just made it into my Dad's car as the clock struck). And see these people who sold (or in some cases, gave away) their worldly possessions and life savings, well, what utter fools you are, I don't feel sorry for you one bit, there were plenty of other Christians who didn't believe the rapture was coming.

Someone who should have felt particularly embarrassed was the man who 'calculated' the impending apocalypse, Harold Camping who went 'mysteriously' missing from the public eye after his failed prediction on Saturday.

However, not one to be beaten down by the stick of public humiliation, he has admitted he was wrong but has issued a new apocalyptic date for our diaries, so make sure you have a pen and paper handy!

Harold Camping said it had "dawned" on him that God would spare humanity "hell on Earth for five months" and the apocalypse would happen instead on "the 21st October" (The day the world is supposed to be ravaged by a global fire)

I can almost see the news headlines on October 22nd 2011 now, in big, beautiful, black lettering.

"The world was supposed to end yesterday. And not a single Fuck was given that day."

However, impending apocalypse or not, life will go on for at least another five months (unless a meteorite strikes us, then we'll be fucked). A point I do wish to get across is that this Volcano in Iceland erupting, you know, the Grimsvotn (Sounds like something from 'Lord of the Rings')? Well, that can take all its ash and shit and go back to wherever the hell it came from because I am not missing my holiday in Bulgaria. I'm feeling sorry for all these people who are having their holidays cancelled (especially the ones who are being videoed sleeping by news people, I would sue them for shooting me in an embarrassing predicament) and Katy, who is supposed to be jetting off to Valencia tomorrow!

AH HATE ICELAND!

Pala

Right now: 'Chimes' - Friendly Fires

The previous blog was lyrics from Katie Melua's 'Red Balloons'. I have to admit, I never was Katie Melua's number one fan, in fact, I pretty much labelled her boring, monotonous and repetitive. Then, someone had the novel idea of William Orbit producing her new album and BAM, it has become a favourite of mine.

If there is one thing I appreciate about myself, it is my superb taste in music. I don't have a favourite genre, nor will I ever. I go through phases. Summer is usually the time for pop/dance music whilst I progress through the winter months with heavy metal/rock music. Nothing is out of reach for me. For example, I currently have Lady Gaga's and Friendly Fires' new albums on constant replay and they are both pretty good. Early favourites of the Gaga would include 'Judas', 'Government Hooker' and 'Edge of Glory' and with Friendly, well, all of them! How I shall nom these albums on holiday!

Which, coincedentally, I go on three weeks today and I'm starting to stress slightly. I hate lousy baggage restrictions and this one could be described worst than lousy. I am already ten kilograms over the allowance and I'm half way there. The abbreviation 'FML' springs to mind... Clearly I've either got to drastically reduce my luggage intake or pretend that this is a 'nudist' holiday.

Also a worry is cash flow up until the holiday. It is not worth repeating how much of my wages are left (three days after I got them nonetheless). Half of it did go on spending money to be fair but the other half seems to be playing a rather cruel game of hide and seek which will not do at all. A loan may need to be taken out... from the bank of Mum and Dad no less.

But apart from those minor hiccups, I have already began making my holiday playlist which is going to be excellent and in general, I have a buzz about the whole thing. I also have to mention my sister, who today proclaimed that she had a present that she was going to surprise me with the day before I went on holiday. After much guessing (I guessed a dress, a top and a drinking game), she gave in and made me close my eyes and held out my hands. As if by magic, I opened my eyes and in my hands was a box... of condoms. The girl proceeded to read the instructions for use out loud whilst I prayed my Dad would not walk in at the moment. She then chucked condoms in random areas of my case (eighteen in all). I have never been quite so embarrassed in my whole life but then again, I was pissing myself laughing at the same time...

In completely unrelated news, I have the itchiest foot in the whole entire world and no matter how much I scratch the motherfucker, it is never satisfied. Damn.

Not long now!

Red Balloons.

"I put my heart in a red balloon
But I let it go too soon
Let it on the boulevard
Where wicked winds blow so hard

Maybe had I looked up, I would have seen that

The sky is full of red balloons
Red balloons are full of broken hearts
Broken hearts are floating by a chance
Will they burst or drift?
Into arms...
Will the burst of drift?
Into arms...

Evil Corporate Laughs and Birthdays

Devon McKenzie said on the 21st May 2011:

"that, right there, is the best blog you've ever written" 

and

 "'PLEASE NOTE: It is recommended that you do not turn up in Heaven wearing a Crucifix, Jesus doesn't need to be reminded about his traumatic death on Earth'...

That is genius :')"

Therefore, I have decided to license my 'genius' so no-one steals it (or if they do, I sue their sorry asses). However, it is nice to be told you are decent at something so I have a nice warm, fuzzy feeling right now! 

Happy Birthday Devon, my biggest supporter in all aspects of life and the most avid reader of my blog!

I know she's a babe, Hands off my woman!

A tourist's guide to Heaven: Essential Handbook for Ascenders

Happy Judgement Day Ascenders! Whilst most people will be running around terrified at the impending end of the earth, you will be calm and serene, happy in the knowledge that your devotion to God all those years will have finally proved worthwhile and you can also laugh in the face of Science, (take that Galileo!)

I now wish to launch into a heavenly choral rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody...

Of course, as with Sinners, Ascenders must also make their preparations before they meet with God, Jesus and Moses and spend the rest of their eternal lives in Paradise and even though the angels will make your transition from polluted ground to heavenly skies as smooth as possible, it is sensible to take on board the following advice as well so that you are fully aware of what to expect.

Firstly, you should have made sure your pets have already been taken care of before the rapture. If in the USA, I would suggest the organisation 'Eternal Earthbound Pets'. Once you have risen to Heaven, a group of dedicated atheist animal lovers will adopt your pets and give you peace of mind for the amazing price of only $139 per pet and $20 for each additional pet. Please check the website for more details. If you live elsewhere, investigate if there are similar services in your area or if not, give them to a trusted atheist to look after or a family member who you know will not ascend (like your Uncle Peter, who took tickling to extremes when you were seven).

The Pearly Gates - The iconic, imposing facade that is a simply must-see for any Ascender

Also, it would be wise to board your house up, as to protect all your worldly goods. Although these possessions will not matter much once you are in Heaven, not everyone will ascend at the same time (Border Control will be inundated with people so it needs to be done orderly and efficiently). This means that some poor, potential ascender may see your house lying empty, become overwhelmed with temptation (apparently the Devil is working overtime to gain a few more souls to Hell so be on the lookout) and loot it, thus voiding his ascension and condemning him to Hell. Additionally, if you feel that anyone in your immediate family has sinned and you still want them to accompany you to Heaven, please make sure they receive salvation from the Church before 6pm otherwise they may be doomed to eternity in Hell.

Finally, at 6pm in your place of residence, when you feel it is near the time of your ascension, please vacate any premises and seat in a comfortable position, preferably in a cross-legged position on grass. The symptoms of impending ascension can be and are not limited to:

• Glowing or sparkling
• A subtle gold or silver tint to the skin
• A halo forming just above the head (this will be pain-less)
• Clothes turning white
• Men only: The growth of a beard (All men have beards in Heaven, like Jesus and God)

Sitting outside allows God a better signal to position his tractor beam over you and eases your ascension into Heaven. If inside, although it is not the end of the world (snickers), it may be more difficult to extract you from Earth comforatably. Sitting with family will also lessen the risk of being separated (you will be reunited eventually but it may take some time as the mass immigration will put a strain on local services).

As with sinners, it is advised that Ascenders bring with them an essentials pack. This will make ascension easier and more comfortable. The pack should include the following items:

• A raincoat - God may provide sunlight on the day of Ascension but we can never be too careful (Especially with the BBC's track record at predicting weather, Michael Fisher anyone?). Preferably pack one with a hood or better yet, take an umbrella.
• All necessary Paperwork - Make sure you have your bible and all other associated prayer books and gospels with you, if you forget or lose yours at 30,00ft, you may have to queue for a new one.
• Rosary Beads -  They are the height of fashion in Heaven and therefore, the norm to wear
• Sunglasses - The iconic 'Bright Light' can be dazzling to some at first, plus they provide a hip and cool way to enter Heaven

PLEASE NOTE: It is recommended that you do not turn up in Heaven wearing a Crucifix, Jesus doesn't need to be reminded about his traumatic death on Earth. Also, although there are no laws in Heaven, fellowship of the Ten Commandments is expected from all Ascenders.

The arches is a popular local hang-out for all teenage cherubs

Once you have ascended, you will arrive at the Pearly Gates and meet St Peter, who will welcome you to Heaven and give you a short Powerpoint Presentation about your new life in Paradise, what to expect and what local services are available to you (Halo polishing etc.). Afterwards, you will be designated a neighbourhood (likely the one where your relatives and ancestors reside) and you will have your own personal guardian angel, who will be able to provide you with whatever you wish for (Except on Sundays, of course). 

More information on moving to Heaven can be obtained from a pamphlet which is available at Tourist Information Office, adjacent to the Pearly Gates, Heaven.

A tourist's guide to hell: Essential handbook for all Sinners

Happy Judgement Day! In about fourteen hours time, all of us will be judged by the G- man and those successful will ascend into Paradise whilst the rest of us scum will be forced to wallow on the earth for a few months before the world is destroyed by fire (or in other words, 'You burn baby').

Now, considering only around 200 million people will be saved, there is a strong likelihood that you, my friend, could be one of the unfortunate souls (well, not a soul, the Devil will take possession of that, I'm afraid) left on earth. Therefore, it is necessary to make a few preparations for your transition into hell and also, some friendly advice to help you prepare for eternal life down under (ground).

Firstly, you must realise that after the rapture and you are left behind, you only live till October 21st. So my first bit of advice would be to go crazy, absolutely nuts. Do things you've always wanted to try, just LIVE. And if you die whilst doing it? Well, you have nothing to lose anyway.

Now, when October 21st does arrive, I would suggest having a barbecue to see the world out with a bang and to enjoy your last sausage and roll before you become as charred as the said sausage. There will probably be an undefined time between death and arrival in Hell so I would suggest you make the most of these moments, it will be the last pain-free you'll moments ever have.

Once you have arrived in Hell, please make sure you remembered to take your essentials pack with you. This should be prepared before October 21st and the packaging should be covered with a fire retardent. This pack can include:

• Shitloads of Paracetamol - Although they won't last very long, they may make your first few days in Hell bearable and you'll probably get used to the pain after a hundred or so years.
• Skin Moisturiser - Getting boiled in a pot or being flayed alive for all eternity can be harsh to your skin, especially if sensitive. Try buying one that contains aloe vera
• Earplugs - If you aren't a metal fan, I believe you will need these as Metallica will be forced to play their 'Some Kind of Monster' album for all eternity (which was their worse album, damn Lars Ulrich's drums!)
• Sun tan lotion - It's quite hot down there, you know! Plus sunburnt skin and flogging can be a real bitch!

You will arrive at the gates of hell where grotesque minions of the Devil will sort the population into a number of different punishments. Please do not try to antagonise the situation if you get a particularly nasty punishment, it will only make your predicament worse and besides, you may be able to upgrade whilst you have earned enough loyalty points at each punishment.

As you can see, the facade is quite impressive and gives the place  a certain gravitas that the pearly gates just don't provide

Once ushered into your eternal punishment the only other piece of advice would be to scream as loud as you can, the minions enjoy that and it forms as part of a lullaby to send the Devil to sleep (and no-one would like a Devil who woke up on the wrong side of the bed, believe me).

Other tips and advice will be posted after the rapture has taken place. We hope you enjoy your visit to Hell!

I am driving in my car, doo doo, beep beep

I took the next step of adulthood yesterday and took my first driving lesson. All I can say is people who already know how to drive make it look real easy. I'm pretty sure my Dad could drive with his eyes shut (if that was the law, thankfully it isn't though). I can pretty much put my hand on my heart and say the lesson went exactly as I expected it to. I SUCKED. I stalled twice and I pretty much underestimated the importance of the clutch (my sworn enemy as of 1pm yesterday).

He also decided I was ready for a taster of next week's lesson and doing a left-hand turn. Readers, I have a firm belief I may be psychic because I sensed the trouble this was going to cause as soon as winced and agreed to try. I put my foot down on the accelerator, panicked, braked hard and stalled. You could almost hear the necks snapping. I'm quite glad that was the end of the lesson because I would've just got out the car otherwise.

I bet this guy is regretting picking up the phone when I called...

I can't really say I enjoyed getting panicky, stressed out my nut and driving a lethal weapon that could potentially kill a person or domiciled animal (pigeons, however, I really couldn't give a 'flying duck' about them) but at least I made it through the first lesson which  is always a good thing (well, it isn't going to be a bad thing is it?)

However, please vacate all roads in East Kilbride next Thursday at 2.30pm for an hour and if you do have to leave your house necessarily be on the lookout for a wee silver corsa weaving left and right across the road with a driving instructor halfway out the window, trying to escape (slight exaggeration but I do know how to spin a yarn!)

Exploitation of the Mass

So, the world is ending on Saturday. It is a shame, I quite like being alive but there is nothing I can do to stop it, unless I find salvation before Saturday. Now, I could do this but there are a few things that might get in the way.

1. With the amount of people who 'need' salvation, all the churches are most likely already going to be  inundated with fellow atheists wishing to join the 'Jesus' bandwagon.

2. It would be embarrassing asking someone to grant you salvation when they know you are only there to ascend Heaven.

3. I'm too lazy.

However, if Judgement Day does come on Saturday, There are a few good things that I will enjoy doing. For example, there will probably be a lot people who call themselves 'Christian' but probably will not ascend. Apparently, the bible predicts only 200 Million will ascend on Saturday out of the six billion on earth (God better make sure he has enough housing and employment for all this spiritual immigrants, otherwise all hell will break loose (forgive the pun, or not.)). So, I will enjoy seeing those people getting their comeuppance (Like in Ireland, where I reckon only very few will ascend). 

I will also enjoy the prospect of no university because I sure as hell won't be going back in September. Shame the world actually ends on October 21st though, I was hoping to experience Halloween in the union. I will probably become an alcoholic, as will everyone else so times will be fun. Partying all the time, it will be a good few last months. 

On a related but random note, I am listening to Metallica 'For Whom the Bell Tolls', is there a more worthy song to type this blog to? I think not.

In light of all this life-changing news, it is nice to see that people are still continuing the spirit of entrepreneurship. Whilst I was reading Yahoo! news today, I came across an article about two men trying to preach to people for salvation. At the bottom, there was a news piece on this company run by atheists who have offered Christians to let them rescue their pet during the rapture whilst they ascend to heaven. I mean, it's genius. 

"You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved.  But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind?   Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind." (From their website)

I mean, it's just genius. Pure, utter brilliant genius! There already have 259 clients who have paid $139 each to make sure their pets are safe during the impending rapture. That's just over $36000 and it's guaranteed for ten years, in case the world doesn't end this time. Such nice people offering to take so many pets and give them warm, loving homes (well for a few months anyway).

http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/

I'm on a highway to hell

I have my first driving lesson tomorrow. It's about bloody time I started but it was just one of those things I just never got round to doing, almost like getting a life (next on my hitlist).

Today, whilst mother dearest was driving me home from work, I proposed the rather 'crazy' idea of Mum letting me reverse on the drive way. She showed me the pedals, which I already knew. I slid into the driver's seat with effortless grace (I tell a lie, I banged my knee as I dove in) and pressed pedals, only to realise that something wasn't quite right. That's when a finger pointed to the keys and my Mum burst out laughing. I turned on the ignition (you know, that helps, apparently), got into gear fine and was about to try to reverse when my Mum went 'Kathleen is behind us but don't worry you won't run her over'. I reversed sharply for half a second before my Mum put the handbrake on and I stopped the ignition.

I'm genuinely such a fail. I actually feel so sorry for this poor guy who's going to lose hair trying to teach me to drive. I'll probably end up on one of those programmes for people who have tried to pass their test a thousand times and still fail.

Not quite yet...

Ding Dong, the witch is not dead (She just got her comeuppance instead)...

It is fair to say that seeing someone you hate so much finally getting their comeuppance has got to be one of the most satisfying feelings in the whole world. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate many people and I only hate people who are evil. Especially this person, they have work in a grip of fear at times (Obviously can't go into too much detail, how I wish I could). So yeah, I had the biggest grin on my face for my shift, although I think karma came back to haunt me when I dropped a box full of 'Monster Munch' and a customer laughed at me.

Teehee!

In other work-related news, I am till training tomorrow which would be rather exciting in my dismal life apart from the fact that I have somehow got to find a way to get out of my bed at 6am. SIX FREAKIN' AM. I'm so not a morning person plus the fact that I have to go to bed in half an hour which just goes against every fibre of my being. Shudders* Only consolation is that I'm doing it with Rebecca, whom I love very much so it should actually be a good day! McDonalds' breakfast anyone?

I'm buzzing for Pirates of the Caribbean tomorrow! A cinema event I can finally make. I've watched the other three to refresh my memory so I'm all psyched up to enjoy some Captain Jack Sparrow-ness. Mmmhmm...

Now, I will bid thee all farewell, think of me when I'm getting up in six hours (Or not, because you'll all be in your bed!)

Final Point: Before I went to work, I was having my monthly geeky - spree on wikipedia and I came across an epic picture of Chewbacca with some of his bro's. Enjoy!

I'm top row, second from the left. I had left it too long between haircuts, you see...

Strut, Strut, Come on, Walk for me!

I saw Fraser's first vlog today and despite his nervousness, it was really good! However, it has pretty much burst any bubble dreams of doing my own, mainly because I exhibit a cool, calm exterior on this (well, I hope I do anyway) that would be ruined by a shaking, stuttering idiot on a webcam (Which would happen, believe me).

Here is the link to Fraser's vlog anyway - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRr6_SvADRY&feature=feedlik

Feelings can be a bit of bastard. Sorry to be frank but they can. No matter how sternly you tell yourself that you don't feel a certain way, something in you always yields and you feel like you are back to square one again. I get angry with myself because of this which in turn annoys me so I just become a really annoyed and irritable person and it is not fair on anyone, which is how I've been feeling the past few days. Plus, I cannot wait for this week to be over, it all seems like work, work, work (although Duran Duran is on Thursday which provides some light).

I also have the strongest urge to destroy and obliterate my liver, I have not been out in weeks and I'm starting to go through withdrawal (I'm also going through sushi withdrawal and the lack of money makes me sad as well). However, pay day is on Friday with my minuscule bonus of forty pounds should make the metaphorical sun shine. 

I also am in desperate need of sleeping pattern. I literally woke up at quarter to three today. QUARTER TO THREE. Usually I wake up at eleven and just turn over and doze but quarter to three is some sort of ridiculous joke. Even I was disgusted with myself.

I JUST NEED TO SORT MY LIFE OUT. Yeah, haha. That outburst was totally on its way. Alas, it is true. I do need to sort my life out, it's just unfortunate I am lazy by nature. I envy all these go-getters out there, I wish I was like that.

My life will get sorted, it's just a question of when.


I'M DONE BEING SAD NOW! You'll all be glad to know. So, Adam Lambert blaring through my ears (He's a babe) and cloudy lemonade on tap, I intend to enjoy my night.

Hot Picks for Eurovision 2011

Following on from my last blog, here is who I think has a possibility of winning this year.

1. Estonia

2. Russia (obviously...)

3. Sweden

4. Germany (because Lena could do it again.)

5. UK

Final point: Moldova could have won this year, had they chose this song. Last year, they had the epic sax guy, and it worked (had it not been for Lena). This year, they could of had the epic panpipes guy but they went for a band full of a bunch of garden gnomes instead. Poor show Moldova.

Wer gewinnt das Finale 2011?

You all knew a blog about Eurovision was coming, didn't you? (If you didn't, you know where that metaphorical door is).

I am a sad person, it's true. I am patriotic and I love any excuse for a good party. Which is half of the reason of why I love Eurovision so much. The other half is simply because I love it, pure and simple (but not the Hearsay song though, although I was listening to that the other day... TANGENT).

Okay, so back to the campest event of the calender. Is it the atrocious singing, the wacky costumes, the weird accents, the token saxophone player (or ice skater), the glitter or is it a mix of everything? The latter, of course. I guess another reason why I celebrate it so much is that I found a fellow Eurovision loyalist in Lauren, which always helps!

Eurovision is also an occasion to drink copious amounts of vodka

This will be our third Eurovision spent together and in all honesty, it has become almost a national holiday or anniversary of our friendship for us, so Eurovision must always be celebrated together, and this is how we do it (with style and grace, of course).

1. Choose a country to support (Not the UK) and make a T-shirt

We always watch the Semi - Finals or listen to the CD, always gets us in the mood. You pick your favourite song and then you adorn a basics Primark T-shirt with language, flags and colours of that country. Usually we use pens and last year we upgraded to glitter pens but this year, we're going to give paint a bash (I know people, hold onto your hats). A plus from this is you get high from the pen fumes so it is really a win-win situation.

Shirt from 2009, Finland came last that year but we won't talk about that...

2. Whip your scorecards out

Last year, I printed off scorecards and I will be doing the same this year. I mean, they do get abandoned halfway through due to being drunk or dancing (or both) but the sentiment is still there, with the added 'Hot' Column of course (I don't know who was judged the hottest last year but I'm pretty sure Lauren gave Milan Stankovic a ten)...

This is Mr Stankovic... (It's sad that I actually remember names as well)

3. Drink, drink till you die (or roll about the living room floor, one of the two)

You must drink alcohol at Eurovision. It is just tradition (and for the boys in our group, makes the experience far more pleasurable). This year, in support of my sexy russian, I am drinking a large bottle of vodka. I hope to be gone by half eight. You also dance when your country comes on and I guess when Blue comes on, we all must dance. That is just the rules (there are rules, Lauren and me devised them but that's another blog.

The fact that he is probably gay upsets me greatly.

And that's Eurovision in a nutshell. Any excuse for a party right? So at 8pm tomorrow night, unless you're being 'cool' and actually going out, get BBC 1 on, listen to Graham Norton's wonderful commentary and just enjoy the worst karaoke competition in the world (no-one disses my sexy russian though, okay?)


Finally, a shout - out to Fraser Shaw, just because he asked for one.

Maybe tonight we could forget about it all... This could be just like Heaven.

Today has been a weird sort of day. With the amount of bad news I've heard (Trial postponement (which is good and bad) and Hanna being back in hospital), you would be inclined to think I was having a pretty bad day but, and I feel bad for saying this, I actually had a good day. I guess nothing surprises me anymore and I have learned that no matter how much time I waste crying over spilled milk, there is nothing I can do to make things better, therefore I don't waste time lingering in sadness (I've done way too much of that this past year).

Yet, something as trivial as 30 Seconds to Mars breaking up has quite literally driven me to tears (rather pathetically). But then again it isn't pathetic or trivial. I have followed this band for six years now with nothing but utter devotion, of course I'm going to feel terrible. They have gotten me through the best of times and the worst of times. I owe them loads of things. Lauren and me bonded over them and that's a friendship I wouldn't give up for anything. So yeah, I don't care what anyone else thinks, I am going to cry over them and listen to them incessantly and maybe wear black for a few days of mourning...

Anyway, please get well soon Hanna. I hate how you have to go through this and I can't be there for you and be supportive. I love and miss you so so much.

"Provehito in Altum" 

I have a public announcement to make...

Before Greg forever blackmails me for eternity (see the emphasis on how he will blackmail me to the end of time?), I would like to make an announcement.

I once stated that The Hoosiers were the worst band in the world and that they were (and still are to be fair) the forerunners of the apocalypse. However, a song called 'Giddy Up' has been brought to my attention and it is not half bad, hence I can officially state I like a Hoosiers song (unfortunately, 'sniffles').

If anyone would like the opportunity to shoot me for liking such a disgusting band, then feel free to do so, as long as it's in the metaphorical sense only.

Thank you for your support on what has been a difficult time for me.

Forget Worrying about Ray, I'm worried about my sanity.

Deja Vu of my personal Hell... One year on

I may be chastised for this blog but I do not care, this is my blog, my space (well not, 'myspace') and I feel I need to do this.

It has been a year today since it all happened. It seems so much longer in some respects because so much has happened in between. I can not emphasise enough how much my world collapsed a year ago and watching the election coverage brings back the awful memories of sobbing on the couch with my Mum. It was honestly just the worst feeling ever and I hope I never have to feel like that again. I would not even wish it on my own worse enemy.

I can't believe I left school a year ago. Not that my last day there was one to cherish, more like one to forget. Especially that shriek of grief when we were told. I will never ever forget that noise, I feel physically sick just thinking about it.

Some of the worse memories of my life were a year ago and yet I have changed so much and in all honesty, it made me stronger. It made our group of friends stronger, it made us realise what was important in our lives. Well, some of us anyway, it ruined some lives temporarily too. I can also say that the situation changed my moral stance in every way, something I did not think could change but in some respects, I am glad they have changed. You just can't judge a book by its cover, a lesson I think everyone should take from this, in all aspects of it.

I guess the purpose of this blog is to mark the anniversary of when our lives changed for the worse. If it hadn't of happened, things could have been so different but things happen for a reason and personally, the path my life took afterwards, getting into university etc. well I wouldn't change that so at least something good came out of it. However, if I could go back, I'd change it in a heartbeat and stop all the pain and hurt this causes people to this day.

I want to say 'Good Luck' to everyone, this day is going to be hard but as long as we keep what we've been doing, we will get through this.

What ever happened to the university lifestyle?

Yesterday, I got the news that I have achieved exemption in all my subjects and therefore, have no exams to do, the first time in about four years!

Whereas before, I did nothing anyway but there was always the possibility of actually writing up notes or studying, I now have nothing to do for the next four months. (Drums fingers on the table in boredom).

People say that your university years are the best of your life. However, I can't say first year was in any way life-changing. In fact, it was actually rather boring, which is probably not the best conclusion to come to. If I went into five lectures during the ENTIRE year, then that would be an achievement personally. And the fact that Entrepreneurship was the worst subject I've ever had to study in my whole entire existence. Thank God that is over. I guess if you actually lived on campus and did not have to travel in everyday, the university experience would be a lot better. Ahh well, no use crying over spilt milk (or in my case, a jaegerbomb).

I do have plans over the summer though. I intend to write up all my notes up for the two subjects I'm taking next year, Management and Marketing, to give me a flying start into second year. Whether I get this done or not remains to be seen but who knows, perhaps divine intervention will motivate me?

However, in the summer, I do plan to get drunk, have fun, see my friends, get tanned, go on holiday and just in general, have a good time! A masterplan? I think so!

Good luck to everyone doing exams though, I genuinely do feel for you (but then again, rather you than me!)