A tourist's guide to Heaven: Essential Handbook for Ascenders

Happy Judgement Day Ascenders! Whilst most people will be running around terrified at the impending end of the earth, you will be calm and serene, happy in the knowledge that your devotion to God all those years will have finally proved worthwhile and you can also laugh in the face of Science, (take that Galileo!)

I now wish to launch into a heavenly choral rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody...

Of course, as with Sinners, Ascenders must also make their preparations before they meet with God, Jesus and Moses and spend the rest of their eternal lives in Paradise and even though the angels will make your transition from polluted ground to heavenly skies as smooth as possible, it is sensible to take on board the following advice as well so that you are fully aware of what to expect.

Firstly, you should have made sure your pets have already been taken care of before the rapture. If in the USA, I would suggest the organisation 'Eternal Earthbound Pets'. Once you have risen to Heaven, a group of dedicated atheist animal lovers will adopt your pets and give you peace of mind for the amazing price of only $139 per pet and $20 for each additional pet. Please check the website for more details. If you live elsewhere, investigate if there are similar services in your area or if not, give them to a trusted atheist to look after or a family member who you know will not ascend (like your Uncle Peter, who took tickling to extremes when you were seven).

The Pearly Gates - The iconic, imposing facade that is a simply must-see for any Ascender

Also, it would be wise to board your house up, as to protect all your worldly goods. Although these possessions will not matter much once you are in Heaven, not everyone will ascend at the same time (Border Control will be inundated with people so it needs to be done orderly and efficiently). This means that some poor, potential ascender may see your house lying empty, become overwhelmed with temptation (apparently the Devil is working overtime to gain a few more souls to Hell so be on the lookout) and loot it, thus voiding his ascension and condemning him to Hell. Additionally, if you feel that anyone in your immediate family has sinned and you still want them to accompany you to Heaven, please make sure they receive salvation from the Church before 6pm otherwise they may be doomed to eternity in Hell.

Finally, at 6pm in your place of residence, when you feel it is near the time of your ascension, please vacate any premises and seat in a comfortable position, preferably in a cross-legged position on grass. The symptoms of impending ascension can be and are not limited to:

• Glowing or sparkling
• A subtle gold or silver tint to the skin
• A halo forming just above the head (this will be pain-less)
• Clothes turning white
• Men only: The growth of a beard (All men have beards in Heaven, like Jesus and God)

Sitting outside allows God a better signal to position his tractor beam over you and eases your ascension into Heaven. If inside, although it is not the end of the world (snickers), it may be more difficult to extract you from Earth comforatably. Sitting with family will also lessen the risk of being separated (you will be reunited eventually but it may take some time as the mass immigration will put a strain on local services).

As with sinners, it is advised that Ascenders bring with them an essentials pack. This will make ascension easier and more comfortable. The pack should include the following items:

• A raincoat - God may provide sunlight on the day of Ascension but we can never be too careful (Especially with the BBC's track record at predicting weather, Michael Fisher anyone?). Preferably pack one with a hood or better yet, take an umbrella.
• All necessary Paperwork - Make sure you have your bible and all other associated prayer books and gospels with you, if you forget or lose yours at 30,00ft, you may have to queue for a new one.
• Rosary Beads -  They are the height of fashion in Heaven and therefore, the norm to wear
• Sunglasses - The iconic 'Bright Light' can be dazzling to some at first, plus they provide a hip and cool way to enter Heaven

PLEASE NOTE: It is recommended that you do not turn up in Heaven wearing a Crucifix, Jesus doesn't need to be reminded about his traumatic death on Earth. Also, although there are no laws in Heaven, fellowship of the Ten Commandments is expected from all Ascenders.

The arches is a popular local hang-out for all teenage cherubs

Once you have ascended, you will arrive at the Pearly Gates and meet St Peter, who will welcome you to Heaven and give you a short Powerpoint Presentation about your new life in Paradise, what to expect and what local services are available to you (Halo polishing etc.). Afterwards, you will be designated a neighbourhood (likely the one where your relatives and ancestors reside) and you will have your own personal guardian angel, who will be able to provide you with whatever you wish for (Except on Sundays, of course). 

More information on moving to Heaven can be obtained from a pamphlet which is available at Tourist Information Office, adjacent to the Pearly Gates, Heaven.