A tourist's guide to hell: Essential handbook for all Sinners

Happy Judgement Day! In about fourteen hours time, all of us will be judged by the G- man and those successful will ascend into Paradise whilst the rest of us scum will be forced to wallow on the earth for a few months before the world is destroyed by fire (or in other words, 'You burn baby').

Now, considering only around 200 million people will be saved, there is a strong likelihood that you, my friend, could be one of the unfortunate souls (well, not a soul, the Devil will take possession of that, I'm afraid) left on earth. Therefore, it is necessary to make a few preparations for your transition into hell and also, some friendly advice to help you prepare for eternal life down under (ground).

Firstly, you must realise that after the rapture and you are left behind, you only live till October 21st. So my first bit of advice would be to go crazy, absolutely nuts. Do things you've always wanted to try, just LIVE. And if you die whilst doing it? Well, you have nothing to lose anyway.

Now, when October 21st does arrive, I would suggest having a barbecue to see the world out with a bang and to enjoy your last sausage and roll before you become as charred as the said sausage. There will probably be an undefined time between death and arrival in Hell so I would suggest you make the most of these moments, it will be the last pain-free you'll moments ever have.

Once you have arrived in Hell, please make sure you remembered to take your essentials pack with you. This should be prepared before October 21st and the packaging should be covered with a fire retardent. This pack can include:

• Shitloads of Paracetamol - Although they won't last very long, they may make your first few days in Hell bearable and you'll probably get used to the pain after a hundred or so years.
• Skin Moisturiser - Getting boiled in a pot or being flayed alive for all eternity can be harsh to your skin, especially if sensitive. Try buying one that contains aloe vera
• Earplugs - If you aren't a metal fan, I believe you will need these as Metallica will be forced to play their 'Some Kind of Monster' album for all eternity (which was their worse album, damn Lars Ulrich's drums!)
• Sun tan lotion - It's quite hot down there, you know! Plus sunburnt skin and flogging can be a real bitch!

You will arrive at the gates of hell where grotesque minions of the Devil will sort the population into a number of different punishments. Please do not try to antagonise the situation if you get a particularly nasty punishment, it will only make your predicament worse and besides, you may be able to upgrade whilst you have earned enough loyalty points at each punishment.

As you can see, the facade is quite impressive and gives the place  a certain gravitas that the pearly gates just don't provide

Once ushered into your eternal punishment the only other piece of advice would be to scream as loud as you can, the minions enjoy that and it forms as part of a lullaby to send the Devil to sleep (and no-one would like a Devil who woke up on the wrong side of the bed, believe me).

Other tips and advice will be posted after the rapture has taken place. We hope you enjoy your visit to Hell!